Sex and Self-Esteem

Sex and the idea of someone finding you sexually attractive can be a huge factor in one's self-esteem.

So it's understandable that dating someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction can pose some concern. For me, personally, being found sexually attractive is a big part of my self-esteem (whether that's good or bad.) So how do you reconcile that? I guess you just have to hope that your partner's feelings of love and attraction (sensual, emotional etc.) will be enough to "make up the difference" so to speak. Maybe it will be all for good, and you can separate feeling desired from your self-esteem and learn to not need to feel desired in that way. Wow that sounds depressing but I don't mean it that way. I guess I'm lucky in comparison to other partners of aces I've heard about. My partner doesn't have an aversion to sex, is able to have orgasms and enjoys having it with me. Yet, getting shut down (which will always happen in any relationship) still hurts. It hurts even more considering that getting shut down isn't a matter of your partner not being in the mood, they just don't want it at all. What I feel you need to do is learn how to have sex with an ace, I read that article on this page but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. The reason for this being that it is filled with extreme language and comes across as insulting and insinuating that one simply slip in communication can lead to traumatizing rape that will haunt your partner and give them nightmares for years to come. Okay... Rather than reading some article clearing written by someone who has an ax to grind, have a frank and understanding conversation with your partner and don't make it seem like a) you're insinuating that something is wrong with them or b) like this is some ultimatum. I'm just going to stop rambling and leave with one little bit of advice that I picked up on the ace board: Lots of aces use the "back rub" or massage metaphor when they describe their feelings towards sex. This is perfect because it makes it easier to talk about. If you don't know this metaphor, go ask the ace board. Ask your partner how they feel about it using the back rub metaphor. I guess a common response would be "I like them, but I don't crave them, so I don't ask for them or seek them out." Now if they expect you to understand and accept that, then they should understand your differing views and emotions concerning these back rubs. You could say something like "Hey, I know you feel different, but I love back rubs and I do crave them. more importantly though is that I want you to want to give me back rubs. Imagine if you were dating someone who gave amazing back rubs but didn't enjoy doing it. If you had to ask them to do it every single time and they never spontaneously gave you one or offered to give you one, wouldn't you feel like they don't want to? But more than that, wouldn't you eventually just stop trying? I mean, it's obvious that back rubs take a toll on them physically and they get nothing out of it, wouldn't it feel like you're forcing them to do it? No one wants to feel like that.